By: Anna Brown
Consensual living
is a process, a philosophy, a mindset by which we seek to live in
harmony with our families and community. It involves finding
mutually agreed upon solutions, where the needs of both parties are
not only considered but addressed. Everyone’s wants and needs are
equally valid, regardless of age. Conflicting wants or needs are
discussed and mutually agreeable solutions are created or negotiated
which meet the underlying needs of all parties.
There are several key factors that help create an environment where
consensual living can thrive. First, there needs to be a climate of
respect and trust. Trust in a child’s ability to know their body and
know their mind. Respect for their feelings as true, valid and
important. If a child feels safe and comfortable they can explore
their feelings and are more interested in understanding the feelings
of those around them. There is no room for punishments or rewards in
this environment. Punishments and rewards are really just tools of
manipulation and when you are working together as a team for shared
solutions there is no need to manipulate.
It is critical to have the belief that there really are solutions.
In fact, the reality is that there are often many solutions. It is
just a matter of hitting on the one that works for everyone. That
process can be broken down into a few steps but will become more
fluid and simple the more it is practiced.
The first step is to identify the underlying needs. Often there is a
stated need or desire. When in conflict, it helps to go deeper. It
may just be that the two stated needs are in conflict on the
surface. When you get to the underlying needs, typically there are
several ways they can be met. When you have the underlying needs on
the table then new alternative solutions are more apparent.
For children and adults both, understanding how biological needs
play into problem solving is critical as well. The short cut for
this is the much talked about HALT theory – Hungry, Angry, Lonely,
Tired. When we are hungry or tired it is hard to see beyond our
immediate needs, our head is not clear to be creative, this goes for
kids too. When we are angry about something, that anger can become
misdirected and interfere with communication. The same for
loneliness, our behavior can really be a call for attention, which
is often a need for engagement. So when we keep in mind that the
underlying need may be biological it helps us find solutions more
quickly. Sometimes stopping to address the biological need is all
that is required to get us back on track.
At times, conflicts can be heated. There can be a lot of emotion
behind requests. In those situations, it is often helpful to begin
with some basic communication skills like validation and reflective
listening. Both of these tools help us to explore the underlying
needs. Validation is the simple process of acknowledging what
someone is saying with no judgment, “you really wish that ...”, with
no “buts” attached. Often times after a few minutes of validation
the person feels free to move forward to more in depth
communication, but sometimes validation is all that is required to
resolve a situation. Reflective listening is similar but it used
more for clarification, “what I hear you saying is that you don’t
want to be here now”. This allows the person to hear how what they
are saying is being received. At that point, they can agree and feel
validated/heard or can restate to make their point more clear.
Once everyone feels heard and validated you can move to “I” messages
to state your own needs for a given situation. That gives the person
you are talking to a chance to hear your feelings. Sometimes it is
easy to fall into “you” mode. “you make me. . .” but if you can stay
with the “I” statements the lines of communication remain open.
Another helpful tool is to assign positive intent. When we look at
someone with whom we are in conflict, sometimes we feel they are
deliberately trying to thwart us. If you can shift that paradigm and
begin to apply positive intent it, again, leads to more open
communication. This involves believing that everyone is doing the
best they can right now, that they want to be a part of a solution
and that they aren’t attempting to stop your needs from being met.
Everyone wants harmony to return.
After everyone involved is feeling heard and understood, you can
move on to the creative problem solving step. This can look
different each time. Often it is a series of ideas being thrown out
by each party. Each idea is accepted, rejected or modified to fit
the underlying needs which have been communicated. This often
requires “thinking outside the box” always keeping in mind the
underlying needs. At times, we enter this step with preconceived
notions about how it should turn out. When we can release this, we
are able to access the full range of possible solutions. Children
have an amazing gift for problem solving and tend not to fall into
that trap. Let them lead the way when you are feeling stumped.
While, on paper, the process seems a bit laborious, once a
commitment is made to live consensually, the fun begins. When your
energy is used to work together as a team to meet everyone’s needs,
you create an environment of mutual respect, consideration and joy.
The skills gained by daily practice transfers to all kinds of
situations where people come together and reach an impasse. Each
time, it becomes easier and easier, the tools become habit and over
time for 99% of situations solutions will be found quickly. For the
1% of occasions where it takes a while, the time will be spent in
positive connection with the other person, not locked in a negative,
adversarial exchange. As everyone becomes secure in the fact that
their needs will indeed be met and honored, they are able to branch
out and enjoy engaging in the process of helping others meet their
needs. It becomes a fluid partnership, a beautiful dance of
connection.
For more information visit
http://www.consensual-living.com