By Tracy Liebmann
So you are reading more about mindful parenting, well let’s dive deeper. Looking at your children as Zen masters helps to show us where we are resistant or listening to our old tapes in our heads. Realizing our vision is narrow we have a great opportunity to grow and change our old patterns of thinking. During this transition you have a choice, you can either lose your mind or your true self by reacting to situations the same way you used to or you can walk through the door and learn something new. If we chose to grow and nourish our children by attending to their deepest need which is to be loved, accepted and validated we can bring out the best in them and ourselves.
Something that always comes up in conversations about this new paradigm is “so what you just let your kids run wild, having no rules or respect for others?” NO, that is not what I am saying at all. What has happened in my home is just the opposite. My kids don’t run wild totally disregarding others need, we live in harmony, respecting each other’s needs. We do not have traditional rules though, our rules are usually about personal safety and boundaries that other people need to feel safe. Children are not bad, needing to be taught how to be good. If they are loved and respected, they will show love and respect. We are also not living on another planet, my kids who are 10 and 8, are children who disagree and fight (maybe twice a month) just like all children do. It is a very important part of growing up and learning how to handle really big emotions. We are not trying to erase conflict and send the message that only harmony is acceptable. We promote being our authentic selves and accept each other for who we are.
Mindful parenting requires us to really examine our lives and ask, “Is this really working for us?” If the answer is no then it is time to make some new choices. Change can be difficult, venturing into new territory can be scary. My experience is it takes a l-o-n-g time to implement life changes. We struggled about a year with the transition into mindful parenting. The first thing we did was, intend to bring mindfulness into our parenting on a daily basis. Then we focused on our intent, it’s through sustained attending that we develop insight. I am not saying this is easy to do, but it is simple. There is no formula to being a “perfect” parent who raises “perfect” kids. What I am saying is to question what this “perfect”, whatever that may be, family looks like. After I started to answer that question what I realized is that my children are “perfect” just the way they are. The most important thing we can do for another human being is to honor them as best we can, not sacrificing ourselves, and at the very least not do harm. The following are some suggestions on how to get started on this spiritual journey.
Intentions for mindful parents
- Everyday try to imagine the world from your child’s point of
view. Try to let go of your preconceived notions.
- Practice seeing your child through these new pair of glasses.
See them as perfect and whole just the way they are.
- Imagine having you as a parent today. How do you appear and
sound from your child’s point of view. How do you want to relate
to your child at this moment and how can you modify your old
behavior.
- Hold an image of your child in your heart, drink in their
being and know they are well.
- When things are challenging; stop and breath, bring your focus
inward, then to your child, by doing this you might be able to
change your reaction and know really know what you should do next.
- Practice altruism, put the needs of your children first
whenever possible. This does not mean be a doormat; you might be
surprised that you both really want the same things.
- Be mindful of your expectations of your children and check
your motives.
- Listen carefully and validate what you hear.
- Share with your children what you believe to be correct, share
your experience, strength and hope. Let this come out of
awareness, generosity and discernment, rather than out of fear or
the desire to control.
- Mindful parenting is not neglectful, weak, or overindulgent.
It is also not rigid or controlling.
- Continue to work on yourself as a person. The best gift we can
give our children is a happy healthy fully functional parent.